I wasn’t really planning to write
such a post, but the messages I receive, the comments you keep writing made me
want to share some thoughts about my illness with you.
Being diagnosed with cancer usually
changes the life completely. Even the early stages of cancer, that are usually fully
curable, cause fear, uncertainty and anger. It makes you ask questions “Why me?”.
It makes you really scared of death, especially when you are young and there is
still so much for you to do.
It is even worse, when you know that
you just can’t be cured. I was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer, with
several metastases to the liver. This stage is incurable, no matter how hard
the doctors would try, they just can’t cure me. They can prolong my life with
one chemotherapy after another, but this is all they can do. What a person is
supposed to do in this case?
It seems there are only two
solutions to this problem. It’s either fighting, at any price, or giving up and
waiting for death to come. These two things, in one way or another, determine
your life. And even if you choose to fight, or choose to give up, the illness
has already won over you. You can say “No, I am fighting it, so how could it
win?”. But what else can it be if you sacrifice the rest of your life to fight?
The illness becomes the most important thing in your life. And I think you should never ever allow it to happen.
One can say, that sometimes cancer
can teach you to appreciate your life. It wasn’t like this in my case. I learnt
to appreciate my life long time ago. Many years ago, when I was barely over 20,
I lost my parents and was left with no family at all. It taught me that only me
and no one else is responsible for my life. I learnt how to live a life,
because it is too precious to be wasted. So could I waste it on just being ill?
No, I couldn’t.
From the very beginning I knew that
my illness wouldn’t determine my life. Instead of asking myself a question “Why
me?”, I kept saying “Good it is me and not a mother with little children”.
Instead of being scared of death I kept convincing myself that if this is my destiny,
I will just accept it. I went through six rounds of chemotherapy while still working
full time. I could feel really awful during the first two or three days after
the chemo, and then I was desperately searching in my body for enough strength to
get up and go to work. You don’t really know how strong you are until you have
to find the strength in you. I can’t say that the treatment was easy though, I
paid a really high price and I still pay the price every single day. But I didn’t allow
it to change my life. That was the most important thing I was aiming for and I succeeded.
My decision about not continuing the
treatment was hard. Not for me though, but for everyone else, for people who just don’t
want to accept the fact that I may die. But this time I know that getting
another chemo wouldn’t just make much sense, because sooner or later it would make my life unbearable, more than cancer itself. I don’t want to prolong my life at
any price, and I’d rather have the illness, not the treatment, kill me. It is
my decision though, and I know it is a right decision.
But what I want to tell you isn’t
about me continuing the treatment or not. I want to tell you that I hope that
none of you will ever have to face such an illness. But if something like that
will ever happen to you or to a member of your family, or to a friend, please
just remember, that whether fought or not, cancer just can’t be allowed to win.
It is life, that is the goal, the health, not defeating an illness. Can you see
the difference here?
I meet many people suffering from
cancer. When I look at 99% of them I feel like the illness is the only thing
that keeps them alive. They can talk about it for hours. They spend entire days
searching for information about cancer in the internet. They just live with
cancer and for cancer. Maybe this is their way to cope with the illness, but
for me the acceptance is the key. At least I can keep my inner balance this
way.
I will be turning 35 later this
week. I found out that I have cancer almost exactly a year ago. An average
lifespan for my stage is three months. According to the doctors, I should have died long ago. Yet I still live. Of course, I don’t do
heroic deeds, I don’t save the world, I just live a normal, everyday life which I enjoy – I live,
I laugh, I love. Sure, I don’t know for how long, but this is something that
nobody knows. But, the time I have left I’m going to spend on LIVING.
And on smiling. Because no illness
can take it away from me.
:)
Edit:
After a few e-mails I want to add a short summary. Or maybe not a summary, but just one advice. Live your life and enjoy it, no matter what. Be happy with what you have. That is what I wanted to tell you. :)
